Funemployment Tip #2: Have some major oral surgery!

Ok, obviously that’s not really a tip. Unless you actually need oral surgery, or you have some very questionable hobbies. I’ve been avoiding getting my wisdom teeth out for years because of a not-entirely-rational fear of oral surgery, but since I lose my dental coverage tomorrow and it’s not like I have to take off work to recover, this seemed like the time to do it.

The actual surgery part was a breeze, because I was asleep. The parts before and after were and have been miserable and I would really like for someone to knock me back out and just let me come to in five days or so. My arm is bruised and I look a like a junkie because it took three different nurses poking me with needles to find a vein for the IV; and I’ve learned that I am apparently immune to the nitrous oxide that was supposed to “take the edge off” while said vein-poking was occurring, as the edge was very much still on. The best part, and of course by “best” I mean the part that had me openly weeping in the surgeon’s waiting room, was when I went home and tried to change my blood-saturated gauze, and my jaw got stuck. Stuck. I absolutely could not close my mouth. The loopiness leftover from the general anesthesia combined with the fact that even on a normal day I don’t have much in the way of a feelings scale between Totally Fine and Everybody Fucking Panic meant I was ill-equipped to deal with this gracefully. We drove back to Dr. Surgeonface, who came to my rescue and managed to move my jaw back into place with minimal pain (probably due to lingering numbness) but now I have to wear a spectacularly unflattering face wrap¬†as a “gentle reminder” not to open my jaw wider than I need for a sip of water. On the bright side, it has these little pockets on the side so I can ice my face while I wear it; once I recover, I might just wear it around and store snacks in there, like a squirrel. Squirrels have the snack game all figured out.

I have to add that I am immensely thankful to Cody – Boyfriend, Temporary Chauffeur, and Purchaser of Ice Cream (he’s having business cards printed up) and also to pain meds and Valium. I also want to give a shout out to my dog, Murray, who has dutifully sacrificed his normal daytime napping location of the couch to nap with me on the bed. He is so noble.

Featured image[Edited to add this super-fly shot of my squirrel headband, because fuck it, I have no shame.]

Funemployment Tip #2: Have some major oral surgery!