Funemployment Tip #2: Have some major oral surgery!

Ok, obviously that’s not really a tip. Unless you actually need oral surgery, or you have some very questionable hobbies. I’ve been avoiding getting my wisdom teeth out for years because of a not-entirely-rational fear of oral surgery, but since I lose my dental coverage tomorrow and it’s not like I have to take off work to recover, this seemed like the time to do it.

The actual surgery part was a breeze, because I was asleep. The parts before and after were and have been miserable and I would really like for someone to knock me back out and just let me come to in five days or so. My arm is bruised and I look a like a junkie because it took three different nurses poking me with needles to find a vein for the IV; and I’ve learned that I am apparently immune to the nitrous oxide that was supposed to “take the edge off” while said vein-poking was occurring, as the edge was very much still on. The best part, and of course by “best” I mean the part that had me openly weeping in the surgeon’s waiting room, was when I went home and tried to change my blood-saturated gauze, and my jaw got stuck. Stuck. I absolutely could not close my mouth. The loopiness leftover from the general anesthesia combined with the fact that even on a normal day I don’t have much in the way of a feelings scale between Totally Fine and Everybody Fucking Panic meant I was ill-equipped to deal with this gracefully. We drove back to Dr. Surgeonface, who came to my rescue and managed to move my jaw back into place with minimal pain (probably due to lingering numbness) but now I have to wear a spectacularly unflattering face wrap as a “gentle reminder” not to open my jaw wider than I need for a sip of water. On the bright side, it has these little pockets on the side so I can ice my face while I wear it; once I recover, I might just wear it around and store snacks in there, like a squirrel. Squirrels have the snack game all figured out.

I have to add that I am immensely thankful to Cody – Boyfriend, Temporary Chauffeur, and Purchaser of Ice Cream (he’s having business cards printed up) and also to pain meds and Valium. I also want to give a shout out to my dog, Murray, who has dutifully sacrificed his normal daytime napping location of the couch to nap with me on the bed. He is so noble.

Featured image[Edited to add this super-fly shot of my squirrel headband, because fuck it, I have no shame.]

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Funemployment Tip #2: Have some major oral surgery!

Funemployment Tip #1: Don’t panic / Start a blog, because you have a lot of free time and your mother always says you should.

It’s been almost a month since I quit my corporate cubicle job with nothing else lined up, with no plans or prospects. The initial jubilance and holy-shit-I’m-free feeling has mellowed in the past few weeks, and some of it has given way to holy-shit-what-about-money-how-do-I-feed-myself, but there is still no question that leaving was the best decision I could have made for myself (although I was JUST starting to master the Silent Desk Panic Attack and the Stealthy Office Bathroom Cry – important life skills!).

When I got the job I was 23, I had just moved to Raleigh and signed a lease with the Boyfriend, and I needed income. Through a staffing agency I got an interview for a position I almost immediately rejected – it had the word “sales” in the title. Shudder. I decided to go to the interview for practice, because surely I would not get hired on the very first attempt. Then they hired me. So I thought, well, I’ll do this for six months, a year at most, to build some skills and salary history, and in the mean time I would lay plans to shift into a job I was actually interested in. But six months, then a year, passed and I had no plans. I felt stuck and paralyzed by indecision and unhappiness. My mind was in a constant fog, and I couldn’t remember what I was even good at, let alone what I wanted to be doing, other than not this. I sought treatment for depression, but I was too anxious to find a therapist, and the prescription I was put on was all side effects and no effects. So for a long time I just existed. Occasionally I sent off a resume, and I even got one interview, but for the most part I lacked the energy to put forth much of an effort.

In sight of my two year mark with the company, I resolved to make my exit. I had enough savings to get by for a few months, and the Boyfriend and I had a temporary roommate set to move in for the summer to pay a third of the rent. I also had permission to quit from my mother, and yes I am a 25 year old adult woman, but sometimes big life decisions are easier when Mom says it’s ok, so shut up. I gave my two weeks’ notice on June 1, and they released me June 2.  Freeeeeeeeeeeedooooooooom. (In my mind that reads like “free doom” with is not what I was going for.)

I’ve spent the past month slowly emerging from my fog. It’s taken a while, and for the first few days at least the novelty of unlimited, consequence-free access to Netflix and day-drinking didn’t help with the quest for mental clarity, but I am slowly remembering that I am a fairly interesting human being with skills and talents to offer; and despite the always present Debbie Downer in my brain stoking the anxiety fire, I know I’ll find a way to use my skills for good. Or evil. I haven’t found my calling yet.

Funemployment Tip #1: Don’t panic / Start a blog, because you have a lot of free time and your mother always says you should.